Feeling Bad During the High Holidays

Well, here it is, almost Rosh Hashanah, and I am just not feeling the joy.

My bad feelings about the high holidays actually began last year on Yom Kippur. The president of my congregation gave a hard-nosed speech on that day about how many people in the congregation were not pulling their weight financially. I probably would have felt it was an unwarranted speech, designed to make the fast harder for everyone, even if I had been in good financial shape. But since I was extremely under-employed at the time, with expenses far outweighing income and lots of debt, I was particularly disturbed by the speech. I had been giving what I could towards dues at my shul -- $10 at a time when I had it to spare -- and only the day before I had slipped all the cash I had into the administration office mailbox just before the holiday had begun. So I will tell you, the last thing in the world I wanted was to spend a half hour in a crowded synagogue, hungry, and hearing about the congregational money woes about which I was doing everything I could despite feeling my admittedly lame efforts were largely unappreciated. I felt so sick to my stomach and angry after the speech that I was in bed most of the day and did not return for afternoon services until it was time to meet my family/friends to break the fast in the evening with cookies. It was a miserable day, all in all.

This year I am no better off. In fact, things are worse. I owe more people more money, and I have been getting meager unemployment checks (based on the temp job pay I had been receiving last fall) ever since February. I'm living on the charity of friends and family to a large extent, and while I've been making every effort to get an appropriate job, I've had no luck so far. I dread another Yom Kippur debacle... please tell me I'm not going to hear more about what an awful congregant I am for slacking off on dues. I just can't take it right now, and I don't think I deserve it, either. I'm really wondering if I can handle going to services this season, though I will go anyway; the high holidays have brought me a sense of renewal in the past, so I have to have faith it will happen again.

I have so much to be grateful for: Family and friends who love me and support me, a roof over my head, a best-buddy dog who suffered a larger dog's bite and survived a few weeks ago, opportunities to dance and hike and do other joyous things, and of course the gift of life itself. I'm not sick, and I don't live in a country where bad luck and debt lead to prison -- or worse. I have a good education and a good mind, so I know my bad luck won't last forever (right?). Intellectually, I know I should be overjoyed to have reached a new year. So why do I feel so bad? Why am I unable to get past my financial woes? Aren't there people who have it much worse, and why do I spend so much time dwelling on the negative?

Hopefully I'll be able to post again after Yom Kippur that I'm feeling better. Until then, may you be inscribed in the book of life -- l'shana tova.