When Is Kvetching Legitimate?

On Yom Kippur, my rabbi suggested to the congregation that we should consider taking measures to complain less. I think he's right in many respects: one should take care not to complain so much that one forgets to be thankful for the gifts of life, and one should not complain so much as to be blind to others' legitimate complaints. He suggested the use of a Complaint Free World bracelet. The purple band can be worn around your wrist, and whenever you catch yourself complaining, you switch wrists to physically remind yourself of how often you do it. I suppose it's a bit OCD, but I can see the value in it and I plan to give it a try. I am quite aware that I spend too much time whining!

At the same time, however, I found myself thinking about the value of complaining. Perhaps I see it this way because I'm a lawyer, since after all, when one wants to begin a civil lawsuit, one begins by drafting a "complaint." If we didn't complain about bad treatment, if we didn't protest unfairness verbally, we would often be unable to change our circumstances.

The trick, then, is to figure out the difference between whining and making a bid for change. I suppose my rabbi was referring in his speech to the kind of complaining that happens when one is uncomfortable or unhappy but does not or cannot seek to make a change. This might be most common when making a change is impossible, and as an expression of emotion, it is tolerable in small doses. The challenge is to try to find the things one can change and to do one's best to accept and deal with one's lot in life when things cannot be changed.

Complaining is an important part of creating social change. If women and minorities never complained about their treatment, the white male establishment might never have understood their dissatisfaction and would certainly have not done their part to make changes to society and the law. Similarly, aggrieved workers must protest -- in essence, complain -- if they want recognition of a union contract or if they hope to set a boycott in motion.

Certainly, political protest is not what my rabbi was referring to in his speech. However, I would suggest that the fine line between complaining and protesting is not always clear to everyone. In an effort to be "less trouble" to one's superiors or even oppressors, in an effort to do the politically or even religiously "correct" thing and not be seen as a "whiner," sometimes we fail to protest when protest is most needed. So while I definitely agree that constant kvetching is a bad habit many of us (including me!) need to break, I also believe that it is my right and duty to complain when values such as justice, fairness, and equality are on the line.